Online Shopping 101

So, I just received a package from Zalando. In case you’re wondering, no I didn’t scream out of sheer happiness as the advertisement once advised us all to do. Looking at that package, I got more of a mellow feeling in my stomach and even before opening it, I’m already rolling my eyes. 

Flashback a few days ago. Picture me sitting on the couch in my slouch wear, make-up removed and hair put up in a ponytail, it was just another cosy evening after another long, long day at work. Back then, it all seemed like such a great idea. Naturally, I was absolutely unable to cope with the variety online shops such as Zalando have to offer. Am I the only one who just feels like after two scrolls everything looks utterly the same?

Against all odds, I did not only fill my basket with a few items that Monday evening me thought would “totally look cute on me”, but I actually got up to get my credit card and, hold your horses, finished the order! 

Back to present me, minding my own slouchy business on my day off, when the package of doom arrived at my door. Just in time to screw up my whole day, thanks Schweizer Post! After the previously mentioned eye roll, I somehow felt like today, after a week of self-hatred and self-doubt (my fellow body positivity warriors surely know that after some time of feeling decent about yourself, the fall surely will come), it would be a great idea to try on the goods. 

Quick note right off the bat: The past year I’ve worked really hard on embracing not wearing make-up when I don’t feel like it. The whole thing is going great EXCEPT when I try on new clothes and I instantly regret complementing the “I look like a potato” attitude with a lack of make-up. Work progress. Anyway, back to the scheduled rant.

The horror starts when you get each item out of its plastic packaging only to realise that it looks absolutely huge. “Woah size L really does run colossal nowadays! This is going to look way too big on me”. HA! Sweetie, did years and years of online shopping experience teach you nothing?!

Needless to say once you’ve managed to squeeze yourself into what you once considered to be a tent of a shirt, you soon realise that your previous deduction was just naive. 

As always, this nightmare of a clothing item somehow manages to be too tight on certain areas of your body while offering enough fabric for another piece of clothing in other places. "Well, the model on the website wearing this anti-designer piece sure didn’t look anything like this!".

You’ve been afraid of the next step since the moment you saw this monstrosity of a package in your mail box, but here it goes: the infamous look in the mirror. To quote Joseph Conrad: “The Horror!”. I’m going to spare you all the details and thoughts running through my head about my body/looks/shape/self-worth.

Fast forward to me packing all the items back into the cardboard box they came in while resenting Monday evening me for thinking that this was a good idea. At this point, I would like to point out how torn I am between the voices in my head that either say something along the lines of “Apparently, some people are just not meant to follow the latest fashion trends ‘cause they don’t fit into what society considers beautiful” and the drunk on life fellas up in there screaming “YOU DO YOU GIRL!”. 

Who won? In fact, is one team ever going to win over the other on the battlefield that is my mental health? For now, I left the cardboard box unsealed with my favourite item right on top. Choose your battles. This is one for another day. Luckily, the fashion industry grants you 30 days to end the war. It’s a reality we all accept when pushing that “checkout” button.